Posts Tagged ‘Australian humour’

The sun was hot already – it was only 8 o’clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.
 
He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
“Typical bloody sheep,” he thought, “they’ve got no common sense,
“They won’t go through a gateway but they’ll jump a bloody fence.”
 
The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She’d stay there ’til she carked it if he didn’t get her out.
But when he reached the water’s edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn’t rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn’t stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn’t get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he’d hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn’t really think he’d get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly “Come back here, you lousy bitch!”

The stock rep didn’t hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky’s reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

Received via email – Author unknown.

Here are some of the really funny questions asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their website, and some answers that may be appropriate. The original joke was floated around by email many years ago and I thought it might be worth sharing!

  • From the USA: Which direction is north in Australia? (From the Editor – the same direction north is anywhere!)
  • From Sweden: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (From the Editor – We just have to wonder what for??)
  • From Germany: Do tents exist in Australia? (From the Editor – Only in camping grounds, tent stores, caravan parks, National parks etc)
  • From France: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (From the Editor – Yes, we celebrate Christmas at Christmas time, hehehe)
  • From Italy: Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (From the Editor – So they prefer outdoor sports?)
  • From The USA: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (From the Editor – Yes, unlike the Canadians, all our states/regions are English speaking, hehe)
  • From Italy: I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? (From the Editor – We’re starting to see a theme with the Italian questions here!)
  • From Germany: I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn blue? (From the Editor – Depends on the level of pollution in the water that day – just kidding!)
  • From The UK: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (From the Editor – Home & Away and Neighbours have a lot to answer for!)
  • From The USA: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (From the Editor – It really does depend how much alcohol you’ve consumed.)
  • From Germany: I plan to take some day trips during the Olympics. Which direction should I drive – Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth – to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (From the Editor – Day trips? Literally several thousand kilometres from Sydney? You’d need a teleporter and the sun wouldn’t be a problem, hehe)
  • From Sweden: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney for the Olympics – can I follow the railroad tracks? (From the Editor – It’s about 4000km so we think he’d have missed the entire Olympics and a year of his life by the time he arrived!)
  • From Italy: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (From the Editor – I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume the language translator really got it wrong!)
  • From South Africa: My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? (From the Editor – We do have toilet paper and plumbing in Australia!)
  • From The UK: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (From the Editor – We imagine the Olympic committee would have had fun providing the details of literally thousands of ATMs in these huge areas)
  • From Portugal: Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (From the Editor – We really don’t know what to say about this??)
  • From The UK: Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (From the Editor – This had to be someone taking the Mickey, right?)
  • From The UK: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (From the Editor – We stopped eating with our hands years ago!)
  • From France: Do you have perfume in Australia? (From the Editor – We just got perfume last year, smells great mate!)
  • From Germany: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (From the Editor – Sure, if you have a submarine.)
  • From Germany: Are there killer bees in Australia? (From the Editor – If we said no would you bring some with you? hehehe)
  • From The USA: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (From the Editor – There are so many things wrong with this question, I don’t know where to start!)
  • From Germany: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (From the Editor – Everyone knows milk comes from supermarkets, cows, schmows.)
  • From The USA: Can you please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum? (From the Editor – OK, you’d have to provide your own rattlesnake though. We have tiger snakes, brown snakes, black snakes, red-bellied black snakes etc, but no rattlesnakes!)
  • From The USA: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (From the Editor – Repeat after me.. OS-TRAY-LI-A.)
  • From The USA: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (From the Editor – Um.. Koala? It’s actually not a bear though ;o)
  • From The USA: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (From the Editor – I think she’s over you by now!)

If you’re overseas and you’re reading this – all there really is to learn from these questions is that Australia is not much different to other countries. It might be very large with amazing natural scenery and unique native animals but we basically live the same way most people do!

We hope you had a laugh at these funny (and quite innocent) questions from tourists planning their first visit to our shores.

Here we have a few fun and interesting facts from Australia – I’ll add more of these every now and then, sure makes for an interesting read!

  • Australia is the worlds biggest island and also the smallest continent (bizarre right?!).
  • The largest organic construction on earth is in Australia and is known as the Great Barrier Reef (been there, must visit!).
  • Tasmania is know to have the cleanest air in the world (who knew?).
  • In 1954 Bob Hawke (former Prime Minister) made it into the Guinness Book of Records – why? He drank 2.5 pints of beer in 11 seconds (he was a bit of a larrikin wasn’t he?).
  • There are 1500 hundred species of Australian spiders (eek!).
  • There are more than 150 million sheep in Australia, and only 21.8 million people (as of june 2009).
  • Australia has the biggest number of wild one humped camels in the world (i don’t really know what to say about that).
  • The city of Melbourne in Australia has the largest Greek population in the world outside of Athens Greece (not surprising).

No wonder they call Australia the land of wonders – this is just a drop in the ocean of fun facts available for our great land.

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