Posts Tagged ‘Aussie Humour’

Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,”Someone should go and tell his wife.” Macca says, “OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”

Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says,”Where did you get that, Macca?”

“Chook’s missus gave it to me.” “That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?” Macca says, “Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Chook`s widow.”

She said, “No, I’m not a widow.”

And I said, “Wanna bet me a slab”

A couple of funny Australian jokes we found floating around the email! One is about beer (no shock on that topic!) and the other about Aussie slang – with a difference!

Beer Makes Wonderful Fuel

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.  That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not bad eh!

From the Editor – I think their estimation on beer consumption is a little low!

Australian Slang with a Twist!

The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.

You may need to be an Australian to understand – feel free to post if you need clarification!

Billabonk:  to make passionate love beside a waterhole.
Bludgie:  a partner who doesn’t work, but is kept as a pet.
Dodgeridoo:  a fake indigenous artefact.
Fair drinkum:  good-quality Aussie wine.
Flatypus:  a cat that has been run over by a vehicle.
Mateshit:  all your flat mate’s belongings, lying strewn around the floor
Shagman:  an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity.
Yabble:  the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans
Bushwanker:  a pretentious drongo, who reckons he’s above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub.
Crackie-daks:  ‘hipster’ tracksuit pants.

And for the Kiwi’s amongst us:
Shornbag:  a particularly attractive naked sheep.

We posted 10 ways to tell if you’re Australian earlier in the blog and here are another 10 – how many apply to you? We have also added brief explanations to the end for our visitors from across the sea!

You know you’re Australian when:

1. You know the difference between thongs and a G-banger (thongs go on your feet, a G-banger is what others may call thong underwear!).
2. You know that while we call our friends ‘Mates’, we don’t use terms like ‘Sheila’ and ‘Shrimp on the Barbie’, contrary to popular belief (it’s true, we really don’t say that – advertising has a lot to answer for!).
3. You’re familiar with Neighbours, Home and Away, Playschool, A Country Practice, Norman Gunston, Barry Humphries, Blue Heelers, Ray Martin, Bert Newton, Lisa McCune, Jon Burgess, Number 96, Molly Meldrum, Kerry O’Brien etc (TV shows, characters and well known Australians – a bit of an institution really!).
4. You drive on the left-hand side of the road (and sit in the right hand side of the car to drive!).
5. You know that you can’t eat Fantales alone… Otherwise who will you play the “Who am I…” game with when you’re reading the wrapper? (Fantales are a yummy confection with celebrity bios and triva written all over the wrappers).
6. You feel obliged to spread salty black stuff that looks like congealed motor oil on bread… and actually grow to like it. You’ve also squeezed Vegemite through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms (think of two thin wheat crisps with little holes, spread your margarine and vegemite on top, put two together and squeeze – little wormy shapes of spread come out all the holes – done it!).
7. You have the ability to compress several words into one – ie ‘g’day’ and ‘d’reckn?’ (why use a whole bunch of words when one word will get the message across?).
8. You know what fairy bread tastes like, and you can’t imagine your childhood without it (fairy bread is buttered bread covered in 100s of little coloured sprinkles – in Australia they are known as hundreds and thousands).
9. Sausage rolls and meat pies. End of story (a must have snack food at all childrens parties, school lunch, pub lunch, pretty much anytime actually!).
10. The private lives of footy and cricket players become more important than local and national news stories (Australians really love their sport and sporting heros - what else can we say?).

Here are some of the really funny questions asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their website, and some answers that may be appropriate. The original joke was floated around by email many years ago and I thought it might be worth sharing!

• From the USA: Which direction is north in Australia? (From the Editor – the same direction north is anywhere!)
• From Sweden: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (From the Editor – We just have to wonder what for??)
• From Germany: Do tents exist in Australia? (From the Editor – Only in camping grounds, tent stores, caravan parks, National parks etc)
• From France: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (From the Editor – Yes, we celebrate Christmas at Christmas time, hehehe)
• From Italy: Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (From the Editor – So they prefer outdoor sports?)
• From The USA: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (From the Editor – Yes, unlike the Canadians, all our states/regions are English speaking, hehe)
• From Italy: I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? (From the Editor – We’re starting to see a theme with the Italian questions here!)
• From Germany: I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn blue? (From the Editor – Depends on the level of pollution in the water that day – just kidding!)
• From The UK: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (From the Editor – Home & Away and Neighbours have a lot to answer for!)
• From The USA: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (From the Editor – It really does depend how much alcohol you’ve consumed.)
• From Germany: I plan to take some day trips during the Olympics. Which direction should I drive – Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth – to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (From the Editor – Day trips? Literally several thousand kilometres from Sydney? You’d need a teleporter and the sun wouldn’t be a problem, hehe)
• From Sweden: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney for the Olympics – can I follow the railroad tracks? (From the Editor – It’s about 4000km so we think he’d have missed the entire Olympics and a year of his life by the time he arrived!)
• From Italy: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (From the Editor – I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume the language translator really got it wrong!)
• From South Africa: My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? (From the Editor – We do have toilet paper and plumbing in Australia!)
• From The UK: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (From the Editor – We imagine the Olympic committee would have had fun providing the details of literally thousands of ATMs in these huge areas)
• From Portugal: Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (From the Editor – We really don’t know what to say about this??)
• From The UK: Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (From the Editor – This had to be someone taking the Mickey, right?)
• From The UK: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (From the Editor – We stopped eating with our hands years ago!)
• From France: Do you have perfume in Australia? (From the Editor – We just got perfume last year, smells great mate!)
• From Germany: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (From the Editor – Sure, if you have a submarine.)
• From Germany: Are there killer bees in Australia? (From the Editor – If we said no would you bring some with you? hehehe)
• From The USA: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (From the Editor – There are so many things wrong with this question, I don’t know where to start!)
• From Germany: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (From the Editor – Everyone knows milk comes from supermarkets, cows, schmows.)
• From The USA: Can you please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum? (From the Editor – OK, you’d have to provide your own rattlesnake though. We have tiger snakes, brown snakes, black snakes, red-bellied black snakes etc, but no rattlesnakes!)
• From The USA: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (From the Editor – Repeat after me.. OS-TRAY-LI-A.)
• From The USA: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (From the Editor – Um.. Koala? It’s actually not a bear though ;o)
• From The USA: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (From the Editor – I think she’s over you by now!)

If you’re overseas and you’re reading this – all there really is to learn from these questions is that Australia is not much different to other countries. It might be very large with amazing natural scenery and unique native animals but we basically live the same way most people do!

We hope you had a laugh at these funny (and quite innocent) questions from tourists planning their first visit to our shores.