Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.The Sarge says…”Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news”.

“Well,” says the bloke…”I guess I’d better have the bad news first?”

The Sarge says…”I’m really sorry pal, but your wife is dead, young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef, he got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.”

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn, but after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says…”Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we’ve brought you your share.” He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

“Geez thanks…They’re bloody beauties. I guess it’s an ill wind and all that…… So what’s the other possible good news?

“Well”, the Sarge says…”if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o’clock and we’re gonna shoot over there and pull her up again…

September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th:
The temperature hasn’t been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer that I expected.

October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

October 20th: I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the
AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000 house and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th:
It’s 35 degrees. Finally got the ol’ air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity makes the house feel like it’s about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid place.

November 8th: If another wise arse cracks, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car’s radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol’ car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.

November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody pool. Even the palms can’t live in this heat.

November 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the air-conditioner’s gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the repairman. Bloody Perth.

What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are f**king kidding me!!

2. What is a “bloody little beauty”?

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

4. Explain the following passage: ‘In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo.’

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

6. Complete the following sentences:
a) ‘If the van’s rockin’ don’t bother ?
b) You’re going home in the back of a ?
c) Fair crack of the ?

7. I’ve had a gutful and I can’t be fagged. Discuss

8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?

9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard ‘up on blocks’? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?

11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?

12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.

13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?

14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else’s beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?

15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people’s meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?

16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter ‘b’ is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
18. Is it possible to ‘prang a car’ while doing ‘circle work’?

19. Who would you like to crack on to?

20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin ‘Bloody’ Wilson, John ‘True Blue’ Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?

21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?

22. What does “sinkin piss at a mates joint” and “getten para” mean?

23. How far would you wear your mockies?
Inside only?
Back yard only?
To the letter box?
To the milk bar for a packed of winni blues?
To the movies?
To shoppo? (large shopping centre)
To the pub?

Log Off……Don’t add any more wood

Monitor……Keeping an eye on the barbie

Download……Get the firewood off the ute

Floppy Disc……What you get lifting too much firewood at once

Window……What you shut when it’s cold

Screen……What you shut in the mozzie season

Byte……What mozzies do

Bit……What mozzies did

Mega Byte……What Townsville mozzies do

Chip……A bar snack

Micro Chip……What’s left in the bag after you have eaten the chips

Modem……What you did to the lawns

Dot Matrix……Old Dan Matrix’s wife

Laptop……Where the cat sleeps

Software……Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster

Hardware……Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart

Mouse……What eats the grain in the shed

Mainframe……What holds the shed up

Web……What spiders make

Web Site……The shed or under the verandah

Cursor……The old bloke that swears a lot

Search Engine……What you do when the ute won’t go

Upgrade……A steep hill

Server……The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

Mail Server……The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

User……The neighbour who keeps borrowing things

Network……When you have to repair your fishing net

Internet……Complicated fish net repair method

Netscape……When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net

Online……When you get the laundry hung out

Off Line……When the pegs don’t hold the washing up

On the Second Day God created water – for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants – to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth day God created a bloke – to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf , drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good …. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and
needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas – to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody good.

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”

The conversation had almost died when the Texan sees a mob of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, “And what are those?”

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

The barman says, “Is this some kind of bloody joke?”

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, “Turn the entire ocean into VB!”

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, “Nice going mate! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says,”Where did you get that, Macca?”

“Chook’s missus gave it to me.” “That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?” Macca says, “Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Chook`s widow.”

She said, “No, I’m not a widow.”

And I said, “Wanna bet me a slab”

Beer Makes Wonderful Fuel

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.  That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not bad eh!

From the Editor – I think their estimation on beer consumption is a little low!

Australian Slang with a Twist!

The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.

You may need to be an Australian to understand – feel free to post if you need clarification!

Billabonk:  to make passionate love beside a waterhole.
Bludgie:  a partner who doesn’t work, but is kept as a pet.
Dodgeridoo:  a fake indigenous artefact.
Fair drinkum:  good-quality Aussie wine.
Flatypus:  a cat that has been run over by a vehicle.
Mateshit:  all your flat mate’s belongings, lying strewn around the floor
Shagman:  an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity.
Yabble:  the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans
Bushwanker:  a pretentious drongo, who reckons he’s above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub.
Crackie-daks:  ‘hipster’ tracksuit pants.

And for the Kiwi’s amongst us:
Shornbag:  a particularly attractive naked sheep.